In the middle of a numbness so shocking and deep, I was blessed with a measure of grace for a few days but I soon found that peace alluded me as I muddled on with life and holidays and vacations. It is so hard to seek heaven and hear silence. Left to my own devices, I could glimpse moments of preparation, mostly in the form of my connections with other people. As I continued to grasp at any strands of heaven that came my way, I was offered the opportunity to weave together a new understanding of God and to seek Him where He is instead of where I wanted Him to be. From a broad perspective, this endeavor has turned out to be one of the more enlightening journeys that I have found myself on. But as is so often the case, the enlightenment has been accompanied by soul-searching and a depth of awareness that is sometimes staggering.
Many times throughout His ministry, the Savior offered His listeners the opportunity to find the things they were seeking. I think we live in a time when it is increasingly easy to find ideas, information, opinions, such that one can cultivate community around any ideas he or she wants to. I think one of the pathways to spiritual growth is the belief that one can be a lifelong seeker of God, continually piecing together an understanding of heaven during whatever experiences one finds oneself in until the day that soul and heaven are eventually reacquainted in full and we have the opportunity to see Him as He is. With a bit more life experience, I have a better understanding of how much effort it takes to make this reconciliation sometimes, to seek out and believe in goodness, love and mercy in the face of devastation, to courageously grow and live when there are so many reasons to fear. With the effort has come the realization that each unique journey offers surprising beauty. Here’s to bravely seeking to see.