To be candid, this is a blog I didn't want to write for a variety of reasons. Covering this topic necessarily asks that I dive into an emotion that I am really uncomfortable with but we'll get into that in a minute. With school back in session and active shooter drills and actual shootings happening, here are 5 ways to help kids as you talk about it.
Turn on your Empathy Flashlight. This is a tool I teach. When we use it we pretend to shine a flashlight on a situation to help us understand it better. When I shine my empathy flashlight on school shootings here's what I see: In order to understand how to help kids we have to sit in helplessness. Helplessness is what our kids feel when they're in schools that are under attack with assault weapons. It's also what they feel every time they have to practice active shooter drills because our brains are amazing and imagining something is all it takes to feel the actual feeling we would have in a situation. Helplessness is something they feel when they text their parents from under a desk or in a closet, completely scared out of their minds because their school is on lock down. Are you feeling it with me now? That gut turning sensation that makes you want to crawl out of your skin? To be anywhere but here? That's helplessness. And it's awful. And yet, because the children in America's schools haven't made it to the top of the priority list over in Congress, despite the fact that the VAST majority of Americans support common-sense gun laws, here we are again. Trying to figure out how to help our kids feel safe, brave and confident amidst a very natural my-life-is-in-danger helplessness response. Be ready to have this kind of empathy so you can connect.
Listen. Really listen. Listen to what they are worried about, listen to what they are imagining, listen to what their friends told them and listen to their fear. They need to know that we can "sit on the fear bench" with them. This is really challenging and usually we try to assuage their fear right away and help pull them out of it, invite them to think of something else, anything else! We do this in part because it makes us so uncomfortable to consider, but this is part of their reality so we need to listen for as long as it takes for them to feel heard. When kids feel heard they can move through emotion.
Assure. After we listen, if we try to assure them that something won't happen to them they will see that as a false promise because active shooter drills are part of their routine. Kids are smart. So we assure them of the things we can authentically say. Things like:
"I wouldn't send you to school if I didn't think it was safe."
"If anything happens, I will be there as soon as humanly possible."
"There will be people to help, no matter where you are or what is going on."
"You are loved so much"
"There is a special part of your brain for emergencies so that part of your brain will turn on if you need it."
Act:Â One way to work with feelings of helplessness is to figure out ways to act. In instances where tragedy has occurred nearby, service or support would be warranted. In this election year we have other options and those options include finding the candidates who support common sense gun laws and voting them into office, working on their campaigns, talking with neighbors. In this way, we let our kids know that we more than "wish" for a solution, we take action toward one. Earlier this week, Kendra Adachi, over at The Lazy Genius IG suggested on her stories that this might be a season of politics where we set aside preconceived ideas about party loyalty and just focus on a few salient issues, one of which is keeping America's school kids safe. If we set aside all of our other differences and elect people to office who can put in place some basic safety measures for the sake of our kids, we would have fewer of these conversations and fewer helpless kids. When our kids see us taking any kind of action around this, they feel supported and the weight of helplessness lifts.
Practice mindfulness. While I have a whole array of tools for helping kids respond to situations with confidence, for being really present and managing what they're feeling, asking them to manage this particular situation doesn't seem like a fair ask. And to be perfectly frank, telling kids to take deep breaths when they're stuck in a brick-walled room listening to gunshots or practicing for that moment seems kind of ridiculous. Sure, it would give them mental clarity should they need to escape and sure it would help their nervous systems manage sustained stress but it seems like a very small band-aid solution for a problem that is solvable and should be fixed by the adults in their lives. But the current unfortunate reality is that most kids will be going to school and dealing with drills and general anxiety about this so here are some ways to approach it:
Practice deep breathing. Box breath is great. Drawing a box in the air, kids inhale on side 1, hold their breath on side 2, exhale on side 3 and hold empty on side 4. As they practice they can draw bigger and bigger boxes in the air. Breathing helps moderate the nervous system and helps us be present.
Sit by your thought river. Each of us has a river of thoughts running through our heads. Most of the time we're drowning in the thoughts but we can always stand up, walk out of the river and go sit on a rock, watching our thoughts go by. If kids can practice sitting by their thought river once a day they can more easily filter scary thoughts and only pull thoughts out of the river that they want to keep. For more on this, here's a podcast that talks about the thought river (at minute 4:30) and how to use mindfulness stories to help kids.
Talk about the amygdala. Usually I am teaching kids not to let the amygdala make decisions for them but that part of the brain is designed to activate in life-threatening situations. You can let kids know that their brain has a special mode for very scary situations and it will activate if they're in one. So if they're worried about what-ifs, you can let them know that the part of their brain that handles really scary moments only turns on when it's needed.
Read The Invisible String by Patrice Karst. Younger kids can take the message literally. You can talk with older kids about what this idea means to them. The gist is that no matter where we are, we are connected to the people we love.
Consider getting some calm strips. While I love using these tools for everyday mindfulness, their breathing shapes can be a great resource for kids who feel anxious about school drills or walking into school. With a textured surface, kids are invited to be present as they touch the calm strip. I encourage kids to put them on water bottles, pencil boxes, backpacks, etc. This starter pack has two textures to choose from. I don't have any affiliation with them, I just think it's a great product.
If you would like more resources for talking with kids about tragedy I also have these podcasts available:
While I am here to support nervous kiddos all day long and while giving kids tools to cope with these situations is an important part of this process, it is imperative that as adults we take action. Trust me, kids have plenty to worry about without feeling like their lives could be at risk at the very desks they learn at each day. So let's use these tools and take action to create a scenario similar to other developed countries where kids just go to school to learn and they don't have to worry about gun violence.
Which of these mindfulness tools will you try first? Please let me know!
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