Jessie is definitely a two year old. Here’s a bit of evidence from today…
At Home Goods: “Mommy, I got somepin a show ya. Mommy, we need dis a Hahyoween, we need dis a Hahyoween, we need dis a Hayoween. Mommy, what dat? Mommy, what a dis? Mommy, I got somepin a show ya ovah heya. Mommy, yook a dis. Mommy, I got somepin a show ya. Mommy, see dis, I want dis a Hahyoween.”
“Yes honey I-“
“Mommy, yook a dis, mommy we need dis a Hahyoween, we need dis and dis. I got somepin a show ya Mom, yook a dis.”
“Jess, baby, we-“
“Mommy, I got somepin a show ya. Mommy, yook ovah heya. Mommy, where my yahyipops go? I can’t find dem. We need a yook for dem. Where they go? Mommy, you see my yahyipops? You know where my yahyipops are?”
“No, J, I-“
“Mommy, you help me yook a dem, you hep me Mom? I need a find my yahyipops, hmm, where can they be? I no know where dey are. Mommy, yook a dis. Mommy, I go yook for dem in the pillows?”
“Yes, the pillows are a great place to-Jess, Jess, honey stop, please don’t touch that.”
“Mommy, yook a dis, yook here Mommy, I got somepin a show ya.”
“Jessica, stop. Where are your listening ears?”
“Righ heya [throwing a casual gesture towards her right ear]. I got somepin a show ya. Mommy, yook a dis, I got somepin a show ya right heya.”
“Okay, baby, stop, stop. Mommy just asked you something, what did Mommy just say?”
“‘No, no, no.’ I got somepin right here a show ya. Yook a dis.”
“No, listen, mommy said please do not………”
“Touch. Mommy yook (picking up the soap dish again) I wan show you dis.”
We went to look for a kitchen rug and we spent like 30 minutes wandering around while Jessica talked NONSTOP. It was loud and it was the same thing over and over and over again. I am not used to her ignoring me that much and I’ll be honest, I was so shocked and frustrated I had a really hard time trying to remember to think creatively.
At home in the kitchen after dinner: “Mommy, you go in there Mom, you go in on the cahpet. Go, go”
“I nee you go in on the cahpet.” (She meant for me to go into the living room)
“What are you going to try to get while I’m in there?”
“Yahyipops.” (Fill in the blank here, the other day it was sprinkles.)
“Well, thanks for being honest.” while trying to think up a good distraction…
At the church, wearing a pull-up, earlier today during our adventures in potty training…
“Mommy, I nee go poo poo.”
“Ok J, let’s go in and you can poo poo.”
“Ok, I all done. I did it! I nee yahyipop”
“Well sweetie, that was a good try but you didn’t go potty, see there’s nothing in the potty.”
Breaking into tears “I did Mom, I did go potty. I did go poo poo.” (this was reminiscent of last night when she was crying and crying on my shoulder saying “I tied Mommy, I tied and tied [to potty for a lollipop].”
“Well sweetie, you can try again later.”
90 seconds later in hallway
“Mommy, I nee go poo poo ‘gain.”
“Ok J, let’s go. Hurry, hurry.”
Again, no results except a “tootie fruta” (I have no idea where she got that). So I take her into the mother’s lounge to put a diaper on her and she starts touching her face….
“Jess honey, gross, stop that don’t touch your face. You just touched the potty, you have bum germs on your hands.”
As she’s rubbing her eyes, her germaphob mother is now the one having a meltdown, thinking how we just had another ward added to our building, that’s twice the bums on that toilet, I think I may have seen a dried diahrea drip running down the side of the bowl, etc.
“Jess, you really need to stop touching your face with your hands. They are yucky. There are bum germs on them because you were touching the potty.”
She looks me in the eye, opens her mouth and licks her hand.
Horrified, “Jessica! Stop it! That is so gross, people sit on the toilet with their bums and you put your hands on the toilet to hold you up. So licking your hand is like licking someone’s bum, that is so so yucky!”
She looks straight at me, opens her mouth and licks the other hand.
I about lost it. I grabbed both her hands and held them until she stopped screaming and said “We do not lick hands with bum germs on them!”
Good grief, not a shining parenting moment for me.
Potty Training Notes to self: Bring clorox wipes everywhere. Wash child’s hands asap. Move feet when pee or poop is making it’s not-so-gradual descent. Try to understand why Jessica straddles the mini potty backwards to poop in it. Keep ample supplies of rags, clean underwear and lollipops on hand for when child randomly decides she’d really like to wear underwear. Envision yourself calmly responding to human excrement strewn about the house and even on your own person. Expect and embrace said excrement as part of the process. (Really having a hard time here) And smile at the phrase “Mommy, you wan see my puddle?” Figure out some way to convince Jessica that I am a valuable partner in this adventure, as opposed to a nagging counterpart. In other words work around her stubborn insistence that she will only sit on the potty when she is good and ready to.
This potty training business is ridiculous. It’s coming at a particularly independent stage (which started last week) where Miss Jessie insists on doing everything from pushing carts and strollers, to operating the drive-up atm (I drew the line there), to loading groceries into the trunk using only the handles of the bags, to washing her hands, to getting down anything from higher areas by herself, with no intervention from her mother. We have butted heads and had more tantrums in the last two days than we’ve had in the last 2 years. I try to be easygoing about a lot of things but you know me: When it comes to germs and bodily secretions, I tend to cling stubbornly to my clean ideal. In reality, I think she’s probably doing pretty well with potty training. By last night, she had connected the pee sensation with urine running down her legs (she started to pee in her diaper, then startled, and looked down, waiting for the waterfall). Today she initiated pottying a number of times (and didn’t about the same number). We hit Target today and stocked up on panties and yahyipops so we can hunker down for the weekend and give this a go. Where did this girl come from? Wish me luck.