Cultivating emotional honesty has helped me set boundaries and learning to be authentic about both emotions and limits keeps me humble and helps me see my progress. Up until the aforementioned day, I had relied solely on prayer, fasting, and the covenants I have made with God to help me manage the growing emotional balance I was carrying. In effect, I was asking heaven to take the emotional debt I had racked up and pay it in full. Please don’t misunderstand, I had many, many beautiful, grace-filled moments where my balance was paid down in response to my faith-filled devotion. But I had long ago relinquished any valuable control of the situation (and consequently it’s outcome) and left the healing in the Savior’s hands, confident that I would be relieved of the burden I carried when He decided I was done. I had asked “Why, me?” and “Please take this” and finally I figured it was my job to wait patiently with faith until the answer, the time, the whatever came and my circumstances changed taking the emotional toll with them. As someone who has experienced the answer “Be still,” I know this is how the Savior works sometimes so this made sense to me. But in this instance, I had hit a fairly substantial wall and without His direct intervention, I was left to consider that He may work in other ways too. I began to wonder if I had fully utilized all of the resources that were available to me as a soul with the opportunity to make choices. I now wonder if He was compassionately and patiently waiting for me to see that He had given me the opportunity to have a say in the outcome this time, to take part in writing this story as opposed to just playing a role that was handed to me. Could it be that He was offering me the chance to work with Him to better understand my agency and mortality and to learn more about myself in the process?
Once I surmised that there was a more creative role available for me to play, my thinking changed and I began to see different ways to navigate this physical and emotional burden with Him. And now, instead of waiting to to know Him when He eventually rescues me from my accumulated debt, I learn about Him as I see the way He shares the journey to solvency with me. There are times when He feels so close and the weight of my struggle is small and I catch a glimpse of us working side by side towards the same ideals. Sometimes I can only faintly grasp the principles He teaches and see them employed in my behalf. Then there are other times when I am left to work alone for a while and my soul recognizes His absence. I can move forward based on what He’s taught me, relying on my ability to choose resources to help me on my way coupled with the Spirit, which helps me discern between viable options. And then there are other times when I distractedly wander off and I have to pick my way back to Him and make myself familiar with our work again. Ultimately, I knew then and I know now, that the emotional and physical aspects of this struggle are things He can heal. The beauty is coming to me as I witness His hand and personality and see my own soul with more clarity as He helps me play a conscious part in creating something from these ashes.